I Hate Two Things

I think I’ve realized that I hate two things.

The first is applying to places and people for things. One reason is of course rejection. Nobody likes to be rejected. But I have come to dislike the very act of applying. I am tired of it, imagining this group or guy at the other end sitting in a high chair judging me, passing a verdict. It is very strenuous for me, this whole thing. Why must I hunt opportunities that other people dangle? Why can’t I create them for myself?

The second thing is I’m tired of using other people’s stuff. Like my music player, or laptop, or the internet, or facebook. Everything I use on a daily basis has been the result of cumulative inventions by other people. I don’t want to just consume, I want to build. I don’t want to be on this dumb side. I know that very few things are created from scratch to completion by a single person, but I want to do my bit. I know I can contribute, and somehow I was meant to. This lazy consuming of other people’s smart products, that require only a minimum fraction of intelligence to operate as it took to build it, is getting under my skin. I have to get out of this loop. Create something that many people will use lots of times. Of course, every time I take a good photo on my DSLR I am working, I am producing something, I’m giving back some of what it took the human community to build the camera, but it’s a billionth, a miniscule fraction. It’s not good enough. I want to be on the other side, the builder’s side.

If all goes well, by the end of this summer I will have taken some care of both of these.

And oh yeah, I think I’ve fractured my right wrist. I don’t think it’s a good idea that I’ve given it no proper medical attention whatsoever.