I Hate Two Things

I think I’ve realized that I hate two things.

The first is applying to places and people for things. One reason is of course rejection. Nobody likes to be rejected. But I have come to dislike the very act of applying. I am tired of it, imagining this group or guy at the other end sitting in a high chair judging me, passing a verdict. It is very strenuous for me, this whole thing. Why must I hunt opportunities that other people dangle? Why can’t I create them for myself?

The second thing is I’m tired of using other people’s stuff. Like my music player, or laptop, or the internet, or facebook. Everything I use on a daily basis has been the result of cumulative inventions by other people. I don’t want to just consume, I want to build. I don’t want to be on this dumb side. I know that very few things are created from scratch to completion by a single person, but I want to do my bit. I know I can contribute, and somehow I was meant to. This lazy consuming of other people’s smart products, that require only a minimum fraction of intelligence to operate as it took to build it, is getting under my skin. I have to get out of this loop. Create something that many people will use lots of times. Of course, every time I take a good photo on my DSLR I am working, I am producing something, I’m giving back some of what it took the human community to build the camera, but it’s a billionth, a miniscule fraction. It’s not good enough. I want to be on the other side, the builder’s side.

If all goes well, by the end of this summer I will have taken some care of both of these.

And oh yeah, I think I’ve fractured my right wrist. I don’t think it’s a good idea that I’ve given it no proper medical attention whatsoever.

Yellow

The world was yellow today. For a brief flicker between now and opportunity, it sparked in front of our eyes. We were there. As we drowned, as we let go, we saw the hopelessness of our lives, like a last feeble breath of wind that stirs the fallen leaves.

It rained for long, I suppose. I lay on the sidewalk with the rain in my face, the glistening dew in my eyes. That world through the brilliant drops, was yellow like I had never seen before.

When it was over and the universe started to breathe again, I thought of me, and the other lonely souls inside their boxes of despair.

How long, life, must I wait?