Evening thoughts

Let’s be honest, because treatment only follows diagnosis. I’m wasting a lot of time at present.

There, I’ve said it now.

I’m interested in trying out the Glanzfeld effect. Of course, I’m interested in a lot of things, I hear, but I don’t follow up the half of them. This course of things must change. Of course, a lot of things must change, I keep hearing myself saying, except I don’t follow up the half of them.

If only there were a way to suddenly stop being the way you have been, inevitably, all this while long, and start becoming disciplined and organized and targeted and living with intention and with appreciation for the value of time.

N, sometimes I think you shouldn’t have left.

‘I was born in the arms of imaginary friends…’

It’s that blue evening again, only it’s already past eight, and I’m listening to Enigma, so that I’m again inevitably thinking of life, and what’s outside of it. Life, this life, it seems to me to be so small and fragile against the great cold darkness of beyond, like a small fearful ball of colour floating in an unforgiving, unfeeling deep black space. It’s like a colossal wall of rock that thuds deeply when you knock against it, oblivious to your presence, unhelping, unfeeling, uncaring, oblivious also to your awe and amazement at it. Quiet, inert and majestic, and so greatly overwhelming.

Ah, Chamber, glad to be back. I missed you.

From this feeling and imagery stems my belief about life that there is a great deal of something else both before and after it, and curiously, counter to all my education and training in science so far, I tend to believe it’s not a clump of inert dead physics. And somehow I believe this with all my heart and soul and existence with a fierce justification that isn’t even clear to myself. I simply cannot bring myself to believe that all this is as dead and reducible and purely chemical as it is made out to be. There is some fundamental, gaping flaw in this logic. I must build a good argument against it. Yes, I’ve been thinking about doing it for quite some while. I remember our Geography teacher said in class a long time back in school: ‘The earth is the right distance from the sun so as to have the optimum temperature to support life. So kids, you see that we are very lucky.’ At that very moment this last statement had hit me with a blunt absurdness whose reason I couldn’t exactly point out. It took me years to figure out the source of that absurdity. Yes, the more obvious the flaw, the more difficult it is to state it. Just like you can’t really explain addition, can you?

More later, hang on.