I have learnt a very unpleasant, yet valuable truth. Nothing in life is too important or too precious or too immutable. No matter how close you hold something to your heart, how close to the core of your living it lies, how much you trust it or believe in it and how much you feel yourself incapable of going on without it, it can always be changed and lost and ended, and you’ll still move right on.
Take your best friends or lover, for example, or some great passion that you have. These are things so close to the core of your existence. You believe that these are things that must stand unaffected for you to be able to lead a normal, happy life. Wrong. I found that out. You can take away things like this from someone, one by one. Their hopes, their dreams, their love, their passion, their friends, their ambition. They will survive. They will move on. One day, those things that you took away would have become irrelevant. Nothing, trust me, is important enough.
It scares me. Because there must be something important enough in life that we cannot make do without. Some person, thing, or principle, or a dream. There was a time a few years back when some very dark thoughts would often visit me and take away the foundation of all thoughts and beliefs I have about life. It was horrible, but after some years I learnt to live without that foundation. Then I thought my friends were the most important thing. I lost touch with them. It wasn’t difficult to move on. Then I thought it was my girlfriend. That I really believed. But then that bit ended. And it shocks me now, today, how I have moved on from that too. I look for that one thing I shall stake everything on, that thing which is most important, that I won’t settle without, and I find there is just a gaping void in its place.
That makes me question myself, and how people are, and how life is, and whether the whole life shit is just a joke where nothing is important or serious enough to demand integrity, whether some people are just utter blockheads to take it seriously and care to be responsible and sincere.
Scares me like hell.