Two of Us #15

L Hi.

N Hey. Long time no see.

L Yeah, no time.

N What’s the deal now?

L I need to calm down and relax a bit. I’m getting a bit worked up about some issues. Related issues.

N Like what?

L I’m going to be frank here. It’s about how she is slowly letting me go.

N You aren’t ashamed to admit that you’re worried about such a thing?

L No. A bit, actually, but you know that I am always truthful over here.

N So, what’s the deal?

L Well, like I said before, I want to cease caring —

N Just a minute. Do you really mean this, or are you saying this from an angry impulse?

L Part of both. I’m angry, but it would help if I stopped caring so much. In fact, I had a talk with myself last night, I guess. Yeah, it was probably last night. And I said to myself, do I want to cease caring just so she will notice and give me attention then? And then I figured out that no, part of me really wanted to get over this mess and get some peace. And I also figured out that confronting myself like that was a bit difficult for me.

N Hence me.

L Right. By the way, interesting factoid. I get confused about time in general, I mean the coordinate values, whereas she is clueless about its first derivative.

N First derivative with respect to what?

L Time, of course. I meant how fast time passes.

N You cannot take time’s derivative with respect to itself.

L I sure can.

N You’ll just end up with 1 all the time.

L Oh, right… but then you must mean that ‘how fast time passes’ is a meaningless statement?

N Of course. Time itself is the measurer of how fast things pass. It’s absurd to want to know how fast time itself passes. And besides, time is a coordinate. You cannot take its derivative.

L I’m not sure about that last statement. Anyway, we are wandering.

N Is there a rule against wandering?

L No, but I want to talk about the issue, although I actually don’t want to. But I have to make myself do it.

N Okay, go ahead.

L So I need to cease caring. About all this in general. I’ve seen that I usually care a lot. Like that performance in college or the SSGC account.

N Those are different. Don’t mix them up.

L No, no, N. They are related. Pay attention. It’s all about how people are so callous and careless about stuff. I don’t get them. I don’t know how they can be so casual about things. This is the same thing. She is careless and irresponsible, and is not doing anything responsible about this.

N Ok.

L You know, I don’t want to talk about this. I’m just obsessing over this.

N What else would you call this, L? You’re after all talking to yourself. That’s the highest form of obsession.

L Cut it out, man. You grow less serious every time I meet you. There was a time when you used to be a soldier.

N I am what you make me, L.

L No. That’s not always true. The evolution of a character is somewhat independent of its author.

N It’s an illusion. The evolution is led by subconscious requirements. Your subconscious requirements.

L Then why don’t I like how you’ve become now?

N Because your subconscious requirements of the present are different from those in the past.

L I need to take a dump.

L Ok, back. And… I don’t have the mood now to talk about this.

N Wait. I asked you a question when you were in the loo. Do you regret your last relationship?

L Well, like I told you then, it’s a difficult question. It doesn’t have a straight answer. Yes, for a few days after we got into it, I used to really worry about what I’d got into. And I used to think that I’ve got into something very, very messy. But now, I don’t know. I don’t regret how it has finally turned out. But yes, I’m very relieved we quit.

N Ok. Do you really want to cease caring? What do you really want?

L Well, I…

N Come on, you said you are going to be frank and truthful here.

L Ok. I… I actually want us to be happy, and I want her to stop pushing me away like this. But of course, no one can take back what she has already done, and I cannot just forget that. I already know what is inside her. That cannot be undone. And no, I don’t want it to be undone. But yes, I want things to be happy between us, and I want her to want to be close to me. Close enough so that I can let her go from this obsessive mental hold I have on her. And I want us both to be able to let each other go.

N Isn’t that what she has done?

L No, not in that way. That is the complete antithesis of what I want. I didn’t mean let each other go like that. I meant, be open to the possibility of some other special person entering our lives, and stop being stupidly possessive of each other.

N Ten years down the line, you might have drifted so far away that you no longer talk, or haven’t talked for months and don’t feel the need to.

L I know that, N. I know all this will cease to matter sometime. But right now, it does matter. Anyway, I’m done here.

N Ok.

L So see you around, I guess.

N Yeah, bye.

L/N.

A12090605 / 140515.

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