Now I know how valuable is darkness. If there’s one thing that civilization has lost and should mourn, it is darkness. It lets the mind gather its thoughts and maybe think about a few things that it doesn’t normally do.

I am attempting something I have given up for quite some time. How easy it is to loose the correct mood for writing. I would like to say that what I have given up is writing, but it’s bigger and more difficult than that. What I have given up is a self. That self used to keep producing the writing. It used to make me feel. I don’t get that emotional urge any more these days. Practice could get a habit like writing back. But could it bring back a self?

There, we have lost the darkness again. I know light is convenient and necessary, but is also obscene in some way, especially after you have been in the dark for some time. The darkness does not disturb. It lets you collect yourself. It is so polite. The light is loud. It crashes into the setting and stays, moulding the environment in its own way, the way it was set up by the electricians.

The place I live in is really loud, and full of other people invading into all six of your senses. I wish I could have a full string of wild mountains all around me, and loads and loads of darkness. I have no idea what I’m going to do with that, but I guess it would get me somewhere.

Feynman once said of learning that it’s like the motion of clouds in the sky. If you keep watching it, it doesn’t seem to move. But you suddenly realize it has progressed since a certain time ago. This is true of all change, including the change of a self and its connections. My friends are changing. My relationship with them is changing. My life is changing. My wants are changing. My happiness and sadness are changing, and my secret despairs are changing. And there’s usually too much light and noise here to feel and analyse all that. I think I need a bit of silence and darkness. For example, I can feel a little of that self now. It’s afraid of the light. I know that if I switch on the light now, it will just leave. So maybe if I have enough silence and darkness, I will be able to harvest that self again. It is important that I do so, because there was something of key importance in that self I don’t want to see off.


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