I wish
we were in a world where you didn’t have to first do the tiresome job of
proving yourself in front of a whole horde of people who are inert gits
themselves before you were allowed to work in your own solitude and do
something useful and feel good about it.

I’m getting tired of the world here. I’m also wondering why people
aren’t complaining about the way it is. If individually there is an urge to see
it differently, why does the exact opposite show collectively?

Or is this all because everyone is too lazy to extend their
concerns too much and beyond a point, just accepts what the system gives them?
If that is so, it will be impossible to change anything that will stay changed
for ever. But the question is, where did the system come from? Is it just that
we, in passing, believe in the ghost of a system that has actually helped
create it in reality? Is it because we need something to complain about? Or is
it Level Zero again, that when something does
change and become different and better, we slowly come up with new sets of
things to complain about?

Don’t worry, you’re not supposed to understand any of this. If you
somehow are being able to, you are either misinterpreting or you are… well, not
misinterpreting. In which case, well, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

Somehow, sometimes I get a peek into the feeling that this precious
life, drops of priceless time, it’s been a horrible waste. God, they don’t know
they aren’t coming back ever. Or maybe our heads are just too small to take it
all in.

All of this results in just a heavy feeling in the head. I think
too much.

I really didn’t want to tread this path. Now I’m down again. It’s
become difficult to get me up from there, over the past few years.

I’m sorry if this post didn’t give you anything. If always it was
about giving and getting, it would be a TV show, not real life. In real life
there’s a lot of waste and a lot of gaps and stupidity. And we’re always trying
our best to pretend that behind it all there surely is a brilliant glimmering
orb of something too beautiful to comprehend. Optimism. Yet, I actually do hope
there’s something like that. Or it
would be too vacant and stupid, too
much of a waste, really.

More later.



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